Anger

What is with everyone thinking I have to be this innocent good little bitch.I'm not anyones bitch and being told I am what the fucking hell is up your god damn ass people.I am about 3 seconds away from killing maria with my bare hands because matt was dumb enough to bring his wife here.You already have a hell here with myself and lily now through the bitchy pregnant lady and it is hell.So while nic and matt drink i have to deal with maria and lily try to get this house fucking clean watch noah and shania and now brandon bella nicholas stephanie and adrian.Someone fucking kill me please because I can't take this shit anymore.It is give me a fucking drink or a ciggerate before I kill everyone in this god damn fucking house.And still trying to get over caden does this shit ever fucking end?Or do i just make it end by killing myself why does anyone care anymore?I am better off not being here.

angry

My mind is off tonight and who am i thinking about but stupid ass daniel.why i don't know i wish i did.thinking about that time he choose lizzy over everything.maybe because of the crap going on with jon or something just so mad that it is driving me nuts.i hate that crap.i hate everything going on that is going on that i can't stand it.my mind is racing in all different directions.that it makes no fucking sense to me at all.i just can't stand it.lord make all the bad memories of the people that have hurt me go away.i don't want it anymore.i don't need it.i am ready to move forward.get my life together.show me the way to trust him lord.show me that he wants to be with me and not harely i need to know lord.before i go insane.make this wedding happen i need it.i love you lord.

Logan

Wow where the hell to begin.Too much on my mind lately.But i have had for a while now wondered why it is i keep seeing someone who our relationship has been love/hate.Well he is suppose to come home tomorrow night or sunday.Well since i am now starting to remember things from my past.To show my true colors.I pushed back writing about this one.Logan too many words i want to say to you.And i think i know i have to write because i have to get my anger towards you out.You were there for me in the beginning a lot.Then you turned into this two faced fucking asshole.You turned your back on your friends.On your love who made the worst sacrifices for your ass.On those two kids who are now becoming better off with a real fucking man to be their dad.Someone who has been there through all of it.You turned your back on everything.Just for this stupid shit you have done now.I fucking hate you for it logan.You fucked up and the worst of it was me picking up the pieces.Well you know what I am fucking done with it.I can't do it anymore.I took care of maria for you.I took care of your children for you.And i can't fucking do it anymore.Last year when you left for korea you turned to me.Before leaving the church.And told me you left me in charge of mystic fings and no limits.That was fucking dumb.Leave me to the hell whole that daniel and johnny created.Did you not listen to anyone logan when they told you how fucking fucked up i am now thanks to that asshole daniel.How i ended up fighting for my life in a hospital bed.Having a man there crying for me every single damn day wanting me to wake up.And look him in the eyes.Having a little boy almost lose his mother.You wanted me to be in charge of that shit.What the fuck is fucking wrong with you.You told me he is lucky he never met me.He did logan he is one of your best fucking friends.I fucking have so much anger towards you for this shit.That I can't be free to love someone.Because i am so fucking fucked up.You said you would always be there.Then where the fuck were you when shane through me into the dresser and then almost knocked me into dom's bed.Where were you when he killed himself.Where were you when daniel put me through all this fucking hell logan.Oh yeah fucking be a two faced little bitch fucking ugly bitch door knob.Not giving a shit about the people who fucking have been there.The people who fucking gave a shit about you.Least your twin brother was a real man.But fuck who gives a shit now you stupid ass little fucking prick.Nothing matters anymore.When it comes to you or any of them.I move on in my life and let this shit go.

The wedding of a lifetime

Some have said why did you get married at 14?My question to you is why did you get married when you did?Age doesn't define love.The day I got married to shane I will never forget.Sitting in the white sundress.Shane in black shorts and a white shirt with his skater shoes.They actually look like the ones I have on right now.I loved him more than anything.Walking down the aisle with the two tulips in my hand.It was like a dream.I will never forget standing next to him.With our son dominick next to us.At first he was sitting on grandma's lap then jumped into daddy's arms.He wanted to be a part of the cermony.When we said our vows I will never forget the way shane could not stop crying and blowing his nose.Everyone laughed when I started drying his eyes.He made many great promises to me.One was that his love will always be there.Another that before he broke before his death was to never hit me.Mine to him were to love him and tell him everything.Shane was my love,the father of my son,and my best friend.I could tell him anything.And he was always there.When we shared our kiss dominick was screaming daddy stop kissing mommy.It made us and everyone laugh.That we turned around kissing him.We dance to a love of a lifetime.Then dealt with a little boy sick from eating cake.But I know one thing I am not really katryna marie brehm as they thought i am.I am kat marie cardnes.I love you always and forever shane brandon micheal cardnes.I miss you everyday baby.But I know it is time for me to say goodbye.And hold your love in my memory.

Why did I hide it from myself

The first time with shane was magical.The best night I had in my life.It started out with us being at in and out meeting up with everyone there.I just remember sitting next to logan and seeing shane stand in front of me.David was no where in sight and I could really care less I wanted shane.I couldn't take it anymore.I got up and went inside only to have shane follow me and when I went into the first door to go to the restroom him coming up and pushing me up against the wall.We started making out right there.I stopped shane saying this is wrong and that we shouldn't be doing this.And he took me into the girls restroom locks the door and goes baby I don't give a shit I want you.I can't hide it anymore.I look down and saw him ready to go.He whispers to me saying I want you and it's going to be okay.Right there he pulls my pants down and my underwear down and looks up at me and saying it will be okay i will be gentle.Then I almost fell to my kmees as shane took me and brought all these amazing feelings into my body.It took every ounce of me to stop him because I was scared.He goes okay baby and I got dressed.He goes let's get out of here and be alone.So we got into the car and left to our friends house. She had lost her parents and had the house so we went into the room.We took our clothes off and just stood there.I turned to shane and said I want to make love to you and you to be my first.He turned to me saying you will be okay and my first.We crawled into the bed and both feeling so nervous.Shane got ontop of me and at first it was painful.Shane kept telling me are you okay baby.It was so amazing and lasted for so long.When we both hit the end we both looked at each other like wait what did we do.I turned to shane saying I want to sleep with you and we layed down again after all that love we made.Shane put his arms around me and we fell asleep in each others arms.It was the best fucking night of my life.One I will never forget.Only to find out a while later after it happened I was pregnant with dom just kept hiding deep down that shane really is dom's dad.Never wanted to admit that great night of passion.I love you my dreamer.We made two beautiful boys together baby.

The real me

How do I see kat?Is the question that for so long I think I lost her.And started being what some others wanted her to be.Who is kat she is a girl who loves writing poetry and acting on stage.She is shy at first but then she is a great friend to you.To me the girl in the mirror is her.She was broken and damaged so many times.But now she is seeing that they don't have to control her anymore that way.She has scars but they wont define her anymore.I am tired of holding things in.I am going to college for them not me but I am not one to give up.Maybe the kat i see is the one who had to grow up way to soon.With having two boys of her own and her nephews being born.She never got that childhood she had before.All the things that happened with her family messed her up inside.Hated my brother for hitting my nephew and then those stupid cops forcing me to see him be put into handcuffs and taken to jail.Mother fuckers wanted to act like i couldn't see why my brothers hands where behind his fuck back.I think for me i have had so much anger inside i forgot what it was i wanted in my life.The kat i am is going to come out now no more holding back if there are times i slip be there but let me get up on my own.I am very independent let me be it.

How do you see me?

How do you see kat?



The truth tell me how it is you see kat and hold nothing back i need to know so that is can help to figure out who it is i really am.