Anger

What is with everyone thinking I have to be this innocent good little bitch.I'm not anyones bitch and being told I am what the fucking hell is up your god damn ass people.I am about 3 seconds away from killing maria with my bare hands because matt was dumb enough to bring his wife here.You already have a hell here with myself and lily now through the bitchy pregnant lady and it is hell.So while nic and matt drink i have to deal with maria and lily try to get this house fucking clean watch noah and shania and now brandon bella nicholas stephanie and adrian.Someone fucking kill me please because I can't take this shit anymore.It is give me a fucking drink or a ciggerate before I kill everyone in this god damn fucking house.And still trying to get over caden does this shit ever fucking end?Or do i just make it end by killing myself why does anyone care anymore?I am better off not being here.

angry

My mind is off tonight and who am i thinking about but stupid ass daniel.why i don't know i wish i did.thinking about that time he choose lizzy over everything.maybe because of the crap going on with jon or something just so mad that it is driving me nuts.i hate that crap.i hate everything going on that is going on that i can't stand it.my mind is racing in all different directions.that it makes no fucking sense to me at all.i just can't stand it.lord make all the bad memories of the people that have hurt me go away.i don't want it anymore.i don't need it.i am ready to move forward.get my life together.show me the way to trust him lord.show me that he wants to be with me and not harely i need to know lord.before i go insane.make this wedding happen i need it.i love you lord.

Logan

Wow where the hell to begin.Too much on my mind lately.But i have had for a while now wondered why it is i keep seeing someone who our relationship has been love/hate.Well he is suppose to come home tomorrow night or sunday.Well since i am now starting to remember things from my past.To show my true colors.I pushed back writing about this one.Logan too many words i want to say to you.And i think i know i have to write because i have to get my anger towards you out.You were there for me in the beginning a lot.Then you turned into this two faced fucking asshole.You turned your back on your friends.On your love who made the worst sacrifices for your ass.On those two kids who are now becoming better off with a real fucking man to be their dad.Someone who has been there through all of it.You turned your back on everything.Just for this stupid shit you have done now.I fucking hate you for it logan.You fucked up and the worst of it was me picking up the pieces.Well you know what I am fucking done with it.I can't do it anymore.I took care of maria for you.I took care of your children for you.And i can't fucking do it anymore.Last year when you left for korea you turned to me.Before leaving the church.And told me you left me in charge of mystic fings and no limits.That was fucking dumb.Leave me to the hell whole that daniel and johnny created.Did you not listen to anyone logan when they told you how fucking fucked up i am now thanks to that asshole daniel.How i ended up fighting for my life in a hospital bed.Having a man there crying for me every single damn day wanting me to wake up.And look him in the eyes.Having a little boy almost lose his mother.You wanted me to be in charge of that shit.What the fuck is fucking wrong with you.You told me he is lucky he never met me.He did logan he is one of your best fucking friends.I fucking have so much anger towards you for this shit.That I can't be free to love someone.Because i am so fucking fucked up.You said you would always be there.Then where the fuck were you when shane through me into the dresser and then almost knocked me into dom's bed.Where were you when he killed himself.Where were you when daniel put me through all this fucking hell logan.Oh yeah fucking be a two faced little bitch fucking ugly bitch door knob.Not giving a shit about the people who fucking have been there.The people who fucking gave a shit about you.Least your twin brother was a real man.But fuck who gives a shit now you stupid ass little fucking prick.Nothing matters anymore.When it comes to you or any of them.I move on in my life and let this shit go.

The wedding of a lifetime

Some have said why did you get married at 14?My question to you is why did you get married when you did?Age doesn't define love.The day I got married to shane I will never forget.Sitting in the white sundress.Shane in black shorts and a white shirt with his skater shoes.They actually look like the ones I have on right now.I loved him more than anything.Walking down the aisle with the two tulips in my hand.It was like a dream.I will never forget standing next to him.With our son dominick next to us.At first he was sitting on grandma's lap then jumped into daddy's arms.He wanted to be a part of the cermony.When we said our vows I will never forget the way shane could not stop crying and blowing his nose.Everyone laughed when I started drying his eyes.He made many great promises to me.One was that his love will always be there.Another that before he broke before his death was to never hit me.Mine to him were to love him and tell him everything.Shane was my love,the father of my son,and my best friend.I could tell him anything.And he was always there.When we shared our kiss dominick was screaming daddy stop kissing mommy.It made us and everyone laugh.That we turned around kissing him.We dance to a love of a lifetime.Then dealt with a little boy sick from eating cake.But I know one thing I am not really katryna marie brehm as they thought i am.I am kat marie cardnes.I love you always and forever shane brandon micheal cardnes.I miss you everyday baby.But I know it is time for me to say goodbye.And hold your love in my memory.

Why did I hide it from myself

The first time with shane was magical.The best night I had in my life.It started out with us being at in and out meeting up with everyone there.I just remember sitting next to logan and seeing shane stand in front of me.David was no where in sight and I could really care less I wanted shane.I couldn't take it anymore.I got up and went inside only to have shane follow me and when I went into the first door to go to the restroom him coming up and pushing me up against the wall.We started making out right there.I stopped shane saying this is wrong and that we shouldn't be doing this.And he took me into the girls restroom locks the door and goes baby I don't give a shit I want you.I can't hide it anymore.I look down and saw him ready to go.He whispers to me saying I want you and it's going to be okay.Right there he pulls my pants down and my underwear down and looks up at me and saying it will be okay i will be gentle.Then I almost fell to my kmees as shane took me and brought all these amazing feelings into my body.It took every ounce of me to stop him because I was scared.He goes okay baby and I got dressed.He goes let's get out of here and be alone.So we got into the car and left to our friends house. She had lost her parents and had the house so we went into the room.We took our clothes off and just stood there.I turned to shane and said I want to make love to you and you to be my first.He turned to me saying you will be okay and my first.We crawled into the bed and both feeling so nervous.Shane got ontop of me and at first it was painful.Shane kept telling me are you okay baby.It was so amazing and lasted for so long.When we both hit the end we both looked at each other like wait what did we do.I turned to shane saying I want to sleep with you and we layed down again after all that love we made.Shane put his arms around me and we fell asleep in each others arms.It was the best fucking night of my life.One I will never forget.Only to find out a while later after it happened I was pregnant with dom just kept hiding deep down that shane really is dom's dad.Never wanted to admit that great night of passion.I love you my dreamer.We made two beautiful boys together baby.

The real me

How do I see kat?Is the question that for so long I think I lost her.And started being what some others wanted her to be.Who is kat she is a girl who loves writing poetry and acting on stage.She is shy at first but then she is a great friend to you.To me the girl in the mirror is her.She was broken and damaged so many times.But now she is seeing that they don't have to control her anymore that way.She has scars but they wont define her anymore.I am tired of holding things in.I am going to college for them not me but I am not one to give up.Maybe the kat i see is the one who had to grow up way to soon.With having two boys of her own and her nephews being born.She never got that childhood she had before.All the things that happened with her family messed her up inside.Hated my brother for hitting my nephew and then those stupid cops forcing me to see him be put into handcuffs and taken to jail.Mother fuckers wanted to act like i couldn't see why my brothers hands where behind his fuck back.I think for me i have had so much anger inside i forgot what it was i wanted in my life.The kat i am is going to come out now no more holding back if there are times i slip be there but let me get up on my own.I am very independent let me be it.

How do you see me?

How do you see kat?



The truth tell me how it is you see kat and hold nothing back i need to know so that is can help to figure out who it is i really am.

mystic fings

What does it mean to be free?Well for me i will never know because i will never be free.I made a choice a long time ago and everyone needs to get it in their damn fucking heads that i can leave san jancito hate johnny or daniel but you know i will never be free of them.I will never get away.I have done too many things wrong in my life that i will never be free.And they need to get it in their fucking heads logan but me in fucking charge for a damn reason.but god as i told you i am not logan i can't be him i can't do the things he does.talking to him again and seeing the logan i know.the one who can tell when i am faking being okay.and can tell when something is wrong even though he wont say anything in front of others.he is a great person.and i just hope there is a way for people to see mystic fings no longer defines me.being daniels girl no longer defines me.i now define me.well at least i hope i can define me.

The boy who knows no fear

Dominick Micheal is my precious child.I love him so much.When I gave birth to him I remember the minute they handed him to me crying my eyes out.Because he was me this innocent kid now with this innocent baby to take care of.God blessed me with him in so many ways.And to this day i remember the smile that kid always had.On jan 27th,2004 dominick became very sick.We never knew what it was because it would go and come back.I remember crying seeing my little boy in pain while being pregnant with a newborn.Well finally after test were done.It came out lukiema.Cancer the worst of a mothers dream.Nothing more i could take of it.My world was coming to an end.Watching that kid fight the worst of battles wishing i could take his place.He would always tell me mommy i am a fighter i will not quit.He kept on playing baseball and you could never till that kid had cancer.I loved that about him.My big boy is my biggest fighter.I love you little boy.And as the song goes.Mommy can i have my pizza slice all on my own.

vent

As it seems to be haunting me.How do you go on after seeing the love of your life dead and you covered in his blood.You tell me how the fuck i am suppose to get those thoughts out of my fucking head you god damn dumbass ppl.

Will I?

Talking about my son elijah is going to go through the biggest hit.Let's talk about the whole story.Starting with his dad.I met ryan and instantly fell in foolishness.Never love to call it that would be telling me i am an idiot.Well i never knew how he was.After a while of being together it was very strange.I would see him change a lot and never knowing why.Having someone like that in your life is very hard.And for me I say how can I be so blind.After a while of us being together his ex gf before me was pregnant with his daughter.So we were dealing with all of that drama that came with it.And him telling me lies.And the abuse started all at once like a lighting rod.He would do all theses things and i would fall for his lies.Well soon after his daughter was born ger mother gave up her rights to her and wanted nothing to do with her.Till 2 weeks later she killed herself or so i was lead to believe.Things were okay except for the abuse.And then the rapes that would follow.He one night forced me onto the bed that i hit my head on the edge of the nightstand and became unconioucs then had his friends help him to abuse me in more ways than one.I still get nightmares from it.Well i finally got the courage to leave him but i would never be rid of him.After he lost custody of his daughter and they gave her to me.Things went worse.As I finally found the truth.His ex was forced by him to have their daughter and she did what she did because he forced her to.Just like what he wanted to do to me.One night I was home alone and was getting out of the shower when he showed up into my room.And he forced himself on me worst than ever before.Threating to do worse to me if i didn't give him want he wanted.Well one day about a month later his daughter started getting really sick and had the weirdst fever.After three days of fighting it and us not knowing the cause we lost her.And I found out i was pregnant with elijah.How do i tell anyone?What do i do?We found out he had put exacsty into her formula and it killed her.That helped me see that I couldn't bring his child into the world.And that it took every ounce of me to see that something was done.Well i am someone who told myself i would never get an abortion.But when it came to bringing ryans baby into the world i couldn't bring myself to do it.Not after everything that happened.So i went to with my friend who was getting checked out for something.And made the choice that it kills me to have done.I took away my son elijah because the pain would have been so hard to bear.The guilt still lives inside me today.And it pains me everytime i think about it.That is why i pushed it down and ran from it.I hate being treated like shit for something i had no other choice but to do.Then bring ryan down and i did that and took some pride but i will never forgive myself for what i did to my baby.My son i took him away because of a man that hurt me worst than david or daniel could have ever done.Why did i do that someone tell me why i took away the life of this precious child?Will the guilt ever go away?

The dreamer that forever i will be his dream

Hmmm i have thought i needed to write this post for a reason and now i am trying to see what it was.Well then i think i will talk about shane aka dreamer.When i first met shane i was with dom's dad and we would all hang out together.When your part of a racing group you always hang out together all the time so me and shane got really close.He was someone i could talk to about anything.Well all of a sudden i started noticing things going wired between us.Only to find out that doms dad had been going after shane for our friendship cuz he didn't like it.Well it got to after the rape happened i became so distant from him and everyone.How can you say what happened to you with the man you love more than anything?Well shane and doms dad would get in the worst of fights after a while and it got to where i was in the middle.Well i remember going to go see shane after being forbidded by david to do so.And only logan and few other friends knew that we ran away.Just me and shane no one else.It felt amazing.To be free and not worry.Tell that day when his mom aka grandma went to go look for us with andrew before they had gotten together.And they put up signs everywhere.But they didn't know david was follwing them.I disobeyed him.So me and shane being compeltly clueless of it all went walking around the pier of the beach we were at.Well next thing we know david turns the corner and starts chasing after us.With grandma and andrew behind him.When he caught to us he grabs shane by the jacket.And i grabbed david screaming for him to stop.Next thing i know david pushing me down the steps of the pier to sand.With grandma screaming and david beating the crap out of shane.I was knocked out for good.When i woke up was in a hospital bed.After they had told me about being pregnant with dominick and that i was lucky i hadn't lost him.I remember not wanting to see david who was out the rooms but wanted shane.When shane finally got up and was allowed out of bed they had done the ultrasound and gave me the pic.When he came in me and grandma were looking at it.And when i showed it to him he came and crawled into the bed with me and we sat together looking at that picture.I will always love that moment.

Dumbass people

Okay the first post in this journal I have to make is this.Missy you help me see i can't hold nothing back well here it goes.Something i held inside was being used as a toy when married to Daniel.Like everything that happened that people like to bring up to me pisses me off.Because you don't know what fucking happened you stupid idiotic dumbasses.One time that i tried explain my sister and she told me no one can force you onto a bed.Yes they can why because johnny forced me to go a friends room and allow their friend do what he wanted so that he would quit throwing a fit.And the worst thing is having your husband sitting there playing video games and allowed him to do this to me.I still hate myself every fucking day for it and for you dumbass people to bring it up and shit makes me want to beat the fucking crap out of you.You don't fucking get it do you stay the hell out of shit you don't know about.Then to go home and be in fear of him for this shit pains me even more.To this day the damn wounds are still hurting me more than anyone will ever know.I am trying hard to let it all out but it is hard so give me time please know that it is very hard for me.