Will I?

Talking about my son elijah is going to go through the biggest hit.Let's talk about the whole story.Starting with his dad.I met ryan and instantly fell in foolishness.Never love to call it that would be telling me i am an idiot.Well i never knew how he was.After a while of being together it was very strange.I would see him change a lot and never knowing why.Having someone like that in your life is very hard.And for me I say how can I be so blind.After a while of us being together his ex gf before me was pregnant with his daughter.So we were dealing with all of that drama that came with it.And him telling me lies.And the abuse started all at once like a lighting rod.He would do all theses things and i would fall for his lies.Well soon after his daughter was born ger mother gave up her rights to her and wanted nothing to do with her.Till 2 weeks later she killed herself or so i was lead to believe.Things were okay except for the abuse.And then the rapes that would follow.He one night forced me onto the bed that i hit my head on the edge of the nightstand and became unconioucs then had his friends help him to abuse me in more ways than one.I still get nightmares from it.Well i finally got the courage to leave him but i would never be rid of him.After he lost custody of his daughter and they gave her to me.Things went worse.As I finally found the truth.His ex was forced by him to have their daughter and she did what she did because he forced her to.Just like what he wanted to do to me.One night I was home alone and was getting out of the shower when he showed up into my room.And he forced himself on me worst than ever before.Threating to do worse to me if i didn't give him want he wanted.Well one day about a month later his daughter started getting really sick and had the weirdst fever.After three days of fighting it and us not knowing the cause we lost her.And I found out i was pregnant with elijah.How do i tell anyone?What do i do?We found out he had put exacsty into her formula and it killed her.That helped me see that I couldn't bring his child into the world.And that it took every ounce of me to see that something was done.Well i am someone who told myself i would never get an abortion.But when it came to bringing ryans baby into the world i couldn't bring myself to do it.Not after everything that happened.So i went to with my friend who was getting checked out for something.And made the choice that it kills me to have done.I took away my son elijah because the pain would have been so hard to bear.The guilt still lives inside me today.And it pains me everytime i think about it.That is why i pushed it down and ran from it.I hate being treated like shit for something i had no other choice but to do.Then bring ryan down and i did that and took some pride but i will never forgive myself for what i did to my baby.My son i took him away because of a man that hurt me worst than david or daniel could have ever done.Why did i do that someone tell me why i took away the life of this precious child?Will the guilt ever go away?