mystic fings

What does it mean to be free?Well for me i will never know because i will never be free.I made a choice a long time ago and everyone needs to get it in their damn fucking heads that i can leave san jancito hate johnny or daniel but you know i will never be free of them.I will never get away.I have done too many things wrong in my life that i will never be free.And they need to get it in their fucking heads logan but me in fucking charge for a damn reason.but god as i told you i am not logan i can't be him i can't do the things he does.talking to him again and seeing the logan i know.the one who can tell when i am faking being okay.and can tell when something is wrong even though he wont say anything in front of others.he is a great person.and i just hope there is a way for people to see mystic fings no longer defines me.being daniels girl no longer defines me.i now define me.well at least i hope i can define me.

The boy who knows no fear

Dominick Micheal is my precious child.I love him so much.When I gave birth to him I remember the minute they handed him to me crying my eyes out.Because he was me this innocent kid now with this innocent baby to take care of.God blessed me with him in so many ways.And to this day i remember the smile that kid always had.On jan 27th,2004 dominick became very sick.We never knew what it was because it would go and come back.I remember crying seeing my little boy in pain while being pregnant with a newborn.Well finally after test were done.It came out lukiema.Cancer the worst of a mothers dream.Nothing more i could take of it.My world was coming to an end.Watching that kid fight the worst of battles wishing i could take his place.He would always tell me mommy i am a fighter i will not quit.He kept on playing baseball and you could never till that kid had cancer.I loved that about him.My big boy is my biggest fighter.I love you little boy.And as the song goes.Mommy can i have my pizza slice all on my own.

vent

As it seems to be haunting me.How do you go on after seeing the love of your life dead and you covered in his blood.You tell me how the fuck i am suppose to get those thoughts out of my fucking head you god damn dumbass ppl.

Will I?

Talking about my son elijah is going to go through the biggest hit.Let's talk about the whole story.Starting with his dad.I met ryan and instantly fell in foolishness.Never love to call it that would be telling me i am an idiot.Well i never knew how he was.After a while of being together it was very strange.I would see him change a lot and never knowing why.Having someone like that in your life is very hard.And for me I say how can I be so blind.After a while of us being together his ex gf before me was pregnant with his daughter.So we were dealing with all of that drama that came with it.And him telling me lies.And the abuse started all at once like a lighting rod.He would do all theses things and i would fall for his lies.Well soon after his daughter was born ger mother gave up her rights to her and wanted nothing to do with her.Till 2 weeks later she killed herself or so i was lead to believe.Things were okay except for the abuse.And then the rapes that would follow.He one night forced me onto the bed that i hit my head on the edge of the nightstand and became unconioucs then had his friends help him to abuse me in more ways than one.I still get nightmares from it.Well i finally got the courage to leave him but i would never be rid of him.After he lost custody of his daughter and they gave her to me.Things went worse.As I finally found the truth.His ex was forced by him to have their daughter and she did what she did because he forced her to.Just like what he wanted to do to me.One night I was home alone and was getting out of the shower when he showed up into my room.And he forced himself on me worst than ever before.Threating to do worse to me if i didn't give him want he wanted.Well one day about a month later his daughter started getting really sick and had the weirdst fever.After three days of fighting it and us not knowing the cause we lost her.And I found out i was pregnant with elijah.How do i tell anyone?What do i do?We found out he had put exacsty into her formula and it killed her.That helped me see that I couldn't bring his child into the world.And that it took every ounce of me to see that something was done.Well i am someone who told myself i would never get an abortion.But when it came to bringing ryans baby into the world i couldn't bring myself to do it.Not after everything that happened.So i went to with my friend who was getting checked out for something.And made the choice that it kills me to have done.I took away my son elijah because the pain would have been so hard to bear.The guilt still lives inside me today.And it pains me everytime i think about it.That is why i pushed it down and ran from it.I hate being treated like shit for something i had no other choice but to do.Then bring ryan down and i did that and took some pride but i will never forgive myself for what i did to my baby.My son i took him away because of a man that hurt me worst than david or daniel could have ever done.Why did i do that someone tell me why i took away the life of this precious child?Will the guilt ever go away?

The dreamer that forever i will be his dream

Hmmm i have thought i needed to write this post for a reason and now i am trying to see what it was.Well then i think i will talk about shane aka dreamer.When i first met shane i was with dom's dad and we would all hang out together.When your part of a racing group you always hang out together all the time so me and shane got really close.He was someone i could talk to about anything.Well all of a sudden i started noticing things going wired between us.Only to find out that doms dad had been going after shane for our friendship cuz he didn't like it.Well it got to after the rape happened i became so distant from him and everyone.How can you say what happened to you with the man you love more than anything?Well shane and doms dad would get in the worst of fights after a while and it got to where i was in the middle.Well i remember going to go see shane after being forbidded by david to do so.And only logan and few other friends knew that we ran away.Just me and shane no one else.It felt amazing.To be free and not worry.Tell that day when his mom aka grandma went to go look for us with andrew before they had gotten together.And they put up signs everywhere.But they didn't know david was follwing them.I disobeyed him.So me and shane being compeltly clueless of it all went walking around the pier of the beach we were at.Well next thing we know david turns the corner and starts chasing after us.With grandma and andrew behind him.When he caught to us he grabs shane by the jacket.And i grabbed david screaming for him to stop.Next thing i know david pushing me down the steps of the pier to sand.With grandma screaming and david beating the crap out of shane.I was knocked out for good.When i woke up was in a hospital bed.After they had told me about being pregnant with dominick and that i was lucky i hadn't lost him.I remember not wanting to see david who was out the rooms but wanted shane.When shane finally got up and was allowed out of bed they had done the ultrasound and gave me the pic.When he came in me and grandma were looking at it.And when i showed it to him he came and crawled into the bed with me and we sat together looking at that picture.I will always love that moment.

Dumbass people

Okay the first post in this journal I have to make is this.Missy you help me see i can't hold nothing back well here it goes.Something i held inside was being used as a toy when married to Daniel.Like everything that happened that people like to bring up to me pisses me off.Because you don't know what fucking happened you stupid idiotic dumbasses.One time that i tried explain my sister and she told me no one can force you onto a bed.Yes they can why because johnny forced me to go a friends room and allow their friend do what he wanted so that he would quit throwing a fit.And the worst thing is having your husband sitting there playing video games and allowed him to do this to me.I still hate myself every fucking day for it and for you dumbass people to bring it up and shit makes me want to beat the fucking crap out of you.You don't fucking get it do you stay the hell out of shit you don't know about.Then to go home and be in fear of him for this shit pains me even more.To this day the damn wounds are still hurting me more than anyone will ever know.I am trying hard to let it all out but it is hard so give me time please know that it is very hard for me.